Apart

Apart… We had to…

It’s been a month or so since he left. When we were together we are so undecided of where we both want to stay. We planned on staying here in Philippines but it was hard cause he can’t work here for years and survival would be a little tough. It has been stressful for me too living here in Philippines. People always stare at him wherever he goes. Girls would look at him wanting to steal him with their eyes even when I’m looking. It’s hard. We might be able to get used to living here but we’ll not get used to the environment staring at us. We want a quiet life. A life with no judgment. I need a place where people won’t say I just have unpleasant motives so I planned on marrying him right away.

It is still an issue. For the longest time I have been hearing things like I should marry him right away and live to his country and don’t because it’s too early or people might think you’re just using him. All of that was awful. It has always been a struggle trying to say what others need to hear from me when they ask me about marriage. The only time I felt true to myself was talking to my uncle and aunt who cares about me genuinely as a person. And they helped me so much to figure out what I really wanna do and what I really feel. I talked to my mom about it and she said whatever I feel like doing she supports me. It had hurt her more deeply hearing what other people think of this engagement more than me.

I figured those people who think bad of us and of our engagement doesn’t really feel what we feel.

I was a person who doesn’t want to have a family of my own before. I was embracing my independence and freedom. Having to be a victim of cancer made me realize I wanna do all that.

But then I met him. The first time I looked at him I felt something real. I felt like I’ve known him for the longest time and he has occupied my mind. It has been the warmest calling that I needed to talk to this person. And when we did it never stopped. I’ve liked other people before but this one was different. Through him I found who I am and what I want in life. I felt I found the person I was looking for in thousands of life time. Silly as you may think but when we met I started to believe that there’s such thing as fate and soulmate. He is my soulmate, my best friend, and my other self.

Only days of talking to him we both felt the sane things. The same feeling that we have found something real. Something we didn’t know we were looking for, we didn’t know exist. And that we want to marry each other.

Both of us had never thought of marriage. We know how silly it is and how fast it was for us but it wasn’t. This is not like “they’re kids… They don’t know what they’re getting into” this is real.

We met face to face and there was no awkwardness at all. It felt like we saw each other again for the longest time. It felt like we’ve seen each other before. We were so comfortable it’s unreal.

But we had troubles and doubt later on living together. As I was clouded with other people’s thoughts. I was afraid because surely people had judged us. I cared about what people want to happen. I cared about what people might say. Until I realized there are people who understood me and helped me decide what I really wanna do.

The clouds were gone and my mind and heart was clear.

I stopped thinking about what others might say and think. I stopped what people are coaching me on what to decide.

I started thinking about my own happiness. And my happiness is being with him.

We then got engaged for real.

This is what I wanna do. This is what we both want and need in life.

I am thrilled to marry this man and be with him.

We then decided on where to live… And we want to live somewhere quiet and uncrowded. Somewhere people won’t see him as different. Somewhere people won’t see us as some sort of setup.

Somewhere where we can freely love each other. Somewhere where we can freely be ourselves.

And so we had to part.

Being away with him like this is no fun at all. It made me realize more that I can’t be without this person. I begin to make myself a better person than who I already was from my past. And he is also the same.

I am so lucky to have met him. As a person we wanted to be better and successful for each other. We started thinking of each other as a drive in life. A reason for us to keep thriving.

He is what keeps me going. The thought of him fuels me to live my life to the fullest.

To appreciate everything the world can give.

And though the struggle of being away from each other is deep and painful… We’ll never keeps our eyes away from our goal to be with each other.

I am ready to leave this place I called home. Cause home now for me is where I am with him.

I really can’t wait until we won’t ever have to part again.

I love you in so many ways.

Finally…

It’s been a long time since I last wrote here. The last few posts are indeed a little upset over something. I haven’t told you guys yet how we even first met on flesh.. So here it goes…

December 2, 2013

I won’t ever forget that day. The night before that, I was preparing my sign board for him to see. I asked him online what sign he wants to see and he ended up saying he wants to see McMayor. He didn’t know I was that serious so I painted McMayor on an illustration board and made a banner with his name. I was really nervous making it. I could my heart shaking. My friends were confirming about where were gonna meet first before going to the airport. I went with my best friend and my high school friends whom I trust so much. That time I could feel how much all my friends care for me. It was a very important and a very big event in my life and I’m with people whom I love and loves me supporting me.

In the morning the day itself, I tried to eat breakfast by going to McDonald’s with my friend Tracy. I picked out a food that I could put in my stomach. I don’t feel any slight of hunger but I tried force feeding myself just biting, chewing and taking the food in. I was too nervous to even eat. All things are running through my head. I’ve seen his ticket, passport and photos of him in the airport but my mind still asks if it’s real and true… that he really is coming here. What if he never did arrive? what if I was just dreaming? But I am not…

I was already with my friends and right at the end station of MRT we took a cab that is… full of cockroaches. It made our way to NAIA  quite memorable for us lifting our legs the whole time.

And then we’re there waiting for him. I’m trying to lift up my banners but I was a bit shy because we’re the only ones doing it. We look so colorful with my banners and we were getting this crazy attention like the people couldn’t also wait what the person I’m waiting for looks like.

I was just staring from afar trying to look for him. It took a little while longer until my friend said “It’s him! I think it’s him! Let’s go! Jannah is it him?” and my heart started pumping a little more faster and then I looked and saw him. My world stopped. He was looking at his phone wearing a white shirt. I asked myself a lot of questions “Is this boy really made it here only for me?”, “am I even worth it for all the sacrifices he made?”, “Is he even gonna like me?”…

And then one of the person assisting and helping tourists with their baggage let us in to go to him. My friends even made a video of it. I am so shy to even share it but there is the link if you want to watch it. While I was walking towards him he is just looking at me (really confident) while he’s chewing a gum and he opened his arms and grabbed me and I could feel him shaking and held him in my arms a lot more tighter to make him feel better. He whispers words of relief from all the longing he felt. It was like we’ve really met before. There’s no feeling of surprise like “Oh this is how he/she looks?!”, it was like we’ve seen each other before. We’re a lot comfortable with each other than how this thing usually works.

It was the happiest day in my life.

And whenever I think and watch our video I still get the same feeling I got when I was just about to get closer to him.

And now he’s still here for me having his second time extending and will be extending more to stay a lot longer here in Philippines.

Our relationship was already strong to begin with and still getting stronger.

I love you, Cody.

If everything seems to be wrong… it stays that way.

All that is remembered and written are sad and loneliness.

Then what is there?

“See, this is why you’re no fun”
“I won’t touch you again”
“But she never allowed it to happen”

I wish I was blind and deaf.

Am I not worth the try?

He’s coming…

For about four months and more of being in a long distance relationship, finally we’ll be able to see each other.

I know I’ve said before that I’m willing to wait for him even if it would take a year or more. But seeing him in pain of us not being physically together brings me down. I don’t want him to ever feel so sad like that and it triggered myself to be longing for him so much. I wanna take care of him, put his doubts away, give him so much love that he unquestionably deserves and all. I know every other day he’s in battle with himself because of his anxiety and i want to push them all away and make him feel home.

We fought the other day and ended up hurting each other so bad. Maybe it’s cause was the pressure we both are feeling because December is coming and we have made so many plans and we’re so afraid that it might fail. We wanted to spend our first Christmas together as a couple. And we realized more that we can’t go on without the other and that our lives will be nothing but empty.

I appreciate so much that he does everything for me. And I will never push that thought aside. He’s willing so much to give up everything and leave his place just to be with me.

Last November 25 he bought a one way ticket already to be with me and he’s leaving on the 30th and arrive on the 2nd day of December. I got really nervous and scared and he can tell. We just laughed about everything and we both got really scared again and nervous because everything is becoming more real that it’s unreal.

We’re just days away from each other…

I’m not sure what will happen when we finally meet. I’m sure I’ll be shaking and my knees will be weak. My friends will be with me to support me. They’re also excited for me and all. They even plan more ahead of me, imagine us together and all that. I have really crazy friends and I love them. I know I’ll hug him so tight for sure.

We’re ready… we’re just both nervous… really nervous.

I can’t imagine how much a person would give up things for me and I know if I am able to I would even do the same for him. I’m sure of him and I know even though we’re really far from each other we already know who the other person is inside and out. We’ll just get to know each other more cause we’re both sure that we could live with each other.

I hope I don’t lose my mind cause everything feels so crazy right now.

But I am also a little sad thinking of the people who loves him that he would leave behind… his family and friends. I’m also nervous for him and I feel what he is feeling.

I should focus more and get ready too for his arrival. I hope he’ll enjoy the experience he’ll go through before stepping his foot in Manila. Travelling for sure is really exciting. He’ll be having stops and I hope he’ll be so safe and nothing bad will happen to him.

I love him so much…

I can’t wait…

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yeah…

We’ll have a new beginning…

on to the next chapter of our love.

Unknown

I have this pictures in my memory that I never did witness.

I’m just lying down in my bed as I remember what ran through my head that time trying to think of something else to keep myself from giving attention from all the drugs I got. I remember I just had my chemotherapy the day before that. It was almost night time and I’m just on my bed staring at my window on the left corner. And I pictured something in my head. I wasn’t sure if it was my own view of perspective.

The time was almost between the night and the dawn. Just staring at the window and I don’t know what is outside I just know I’m looking. The feeling I got was really empty and just reflecting on everything else but no emotion was present. Looking through my feet is a closed white door. I wasn’t struggling to go to sleep, I know I can’t sleep but it doesn’t seem to matter. As of the moment I was just appreciating a little bit silence. I don’t feel tired, I don’t feel too sad… It’s like I’m used to it. Sometimes I hate these nights and sometimes I don’t. That’s what I felt from what I was seeing. But this picture wasn’t so bad  and wasn’t so good either, the weather was just kind as the night. I feel the cold breeze coming from the green trees to my nostrils and lungs.

I came back from reality and start to feel the same on my real life.

I’m just staring on my window again and breathing all the good air.

Then I start to effortlessly convince myself that I am alive and I thank whoever it is that I should thank that I am.

And now, as creepy as it gets… I know now where that came from.

Calendar Girl

It was a gloomy evening and I thought of listening to the band Stars. I started listening to them when I was in College and I liked some of their songs. Calendar Girl’s one of my favorites until it became my song when I was diagnosed with cancer.

I started feeling lost and feeling I no longer have any purpose. That I have learned what is there to learn in life. One of the things that I have learned was to take faults, be aware of my actions, forgive myself and no one is counting all my errors, enjoy the little things in life and a lot more.

And then I was just living until I am gone.

Just waiting for that day to come where I am to part from this world happily and content.

Accepting that some people just die young and no one lives forever, yet I still hope to witness wonders of the world.

I was asking God to take me away and to not let me die.

I was wasting away.

I thought I’m gonna live my life easy and just turn to ash.

Knowing I could die any time soon, not knowing a reason behind all this waiting and having no purpose, it was hard.

This song just gave me the heartache. The heartache I caused myself to have before. I was the one who mended myself in to stone and no one else. I’m the one who inflicted pain and caused people to try to be away from me. Yet the sickness I had made them just to be around.

And now I’m still having these burns while listening to the song. Writing everything out didn’t put much any help.

I shouldn’t be feeling so sad of who I was before. Of how alone and sad I was during those times I’m fighting for my life and giving in.

But now, all I have to do is remind myself that the future is now bright that I have someone for me all along.

There’s no amount of words that can describe the happiness I feel right now having to find your purpose and having to live each day with excitement for there is something for me each day. Waiting for the day when I get to finally be with someone I am sure I’ll be with forever. All of the things my heart genuinely and authentically desires is now in front of me.

He’s on the other side of the world and I’ll be patiently waiting for the day until we’re finally together.

I thank whoever is up there for giving him to me.

Surviving the distance

Me and my boyfriend are 12 hours apart. He lives in Michigan, USA while I live in Philippines. It didn’t occur in mind before of how difficult it would get for me. For I think “Good things come to those who wait.”, that all great things deserve the wait while for him “Greater things come to those who are willing to work for it.” and he won’t just sit anywhere and take what is left. That’s how he thinks and I get him on that. Apply those mind sets in our relationship and that’s how it is.

We just knew each other last July 7, 2013 and now he got his passport done already to come see me. He’s working and finding more extra jobs to afford the ticket and the money to go here this coming November 2013. I’m proud of how he is, though I always worry that he might be stressing himself too much when I’m all patient here.

When it comes to our communication, at first we had Interpals.net. It’s where we both met. We constantly send each other long messages for a month or more there. Then we had a little skype on our desktop and then tried sorts of applications on our phone. We had KakaoTalk but it was running a little slow on my blackberry phone so we had WeChat after. It’s much easier on his side when he goes outdoors. We can share photos, voice notes, emoticons, video, location. They also have walkie talkie feature and video call which I can only enjoy in my tablet and not in my blackberry phone unit but the video isn’t that much clear. I don’t go out often for I work at home and just go hangout with friends on some weekends. And since I have my tablet again and he just bought his own tablet, we now talk more on chat, voice and video calls in skype. We also transfer files and photos now on skype. But in some cases we still use WeChat when he doesn’t have his tablet on his side.

We watch each other sleep and we already got used to it. I love the fact that I work at home and I could creep on him the whole time he’s sleeping and he loves the thought and envies me about it. We’re big creeps, alright. He snores so loud while I sleep with my mouth open and unconsciously picked my nose one time. It’s one of his dreams maybe to see me pick my nose. He’s crazy and so funny because he said we should pick each other’s noses and eat each other’s boogers. Weirdos. We take screenshots of each other too and we share folders in dropbox to see what the other had screenshots of. And from the number of screenshots and what of we’re the ultimate couples creeping on each other.

We are also in search of other more games we could battle with and enjoy quality time with like Draw Something. And we have small activities like drawing on pictures of marks on walls on what it looks like and we haven’t finished it yet. Having small bets and dares  too would be fun. And he owes me a “Wear a mustache 24 hrs a day” bet that I would draw on his face when he gets here by November.

When it comes to trust… there’s nothing to worry about loyalty. For we are strongly that way as a person.

I come to realize more that this distance is… really hard. Since the sweater/cuddle weather now is currently starting, we yearn more of each other’s touch and hugs. And spending our first Christmas together would be pretty nice and sweet. And I know neither of us don’t want to end up without the other on Christmas this year. I can’t wait to see him. Since he started to really come on November I became a little impatient and more excited on seeing him.

Everyday, I kept on praying that we can finally spend our days together constantly and will never part again.

We have yet to experience more pain and suffering on being 8,000 miles apart. Visits would be really wonderful but at the same time leaving again would be madly painful. And we’re taking note of that and already planning things out.

Things will happen, eventually.

We’ll be together one day.

My life before him…

I can’t imagine myself living the way I lived my life before him. I can’t imagine how awful my views are in what’ll happen and what I would only want in life. I was in search of what will make me happy.

After having to experience an almost 4 year awful relationship with someone who has fooled me three times, I’ve always thought that people would always get tired of the person they’re with one way or another and all things would only depend on how they take it. Do they make a way? Not say that they’re tired of it? Just live with it cause they have no more choice? or find another? break his or her heart until he/she lets go of you?

Being cheated for a number of times my ex implying pain and suffering on me made me really stressed and down. It destroyed who I am as a person. I caused pain to the people around me who loves me.

I cry so much at night and in my dreams asking God to send the person really meant for me that time to save me from the guy I’m with.

During those heart breaks, pain and suffering a big lump appeared on my neck about 4 inches in diameter at the end of the year of 2010. I had it diagnosed and I won’t ever forget the day I got the result. It was the day before my birthday, February 7th of 2011 that I learned it was cancer. I have stage four Hodgkin Lymphoma and I wasn’t all that surprised. I was dying. I never got so sad about it, I thought of it as my only salvation from the mess I made with my friends and family. I knew I’m going to get better so I fought. I force fed myself taking all the food I can.

At night, I try to sleep the intoxication I’m feeling from all the cure I took. And I was alone. I never talked to anyone about how tired I am and all I wanted was a different kind of company. I talked to God during those nights wishing and hoping for someone that would fight with me and genuinely care for me but I told myself it was quite impossible. I’m sick of the man I’m with and I know he isn’t the one I needed.

After all those, I became strong. I told myself I can be on my own and never would think I am alone. I worked and tried to build bridges again but with it are walls. Great walls that no one will ever get in no matter how they use the past. I worked and finished my studies. And in the future I don’t see myself marrying anyone and having kids for I wanted my own family now to experience good life. I want my siblings to be spoiled with things they’ve been wanting. All I cared about are my siblings and myself.

Then there were actions that I did that I never knew I would. I never had any reason for it but I kept on going until I found him.

Then all the things I did that time came into result. That I never knew all those things that I did and joined to has a reason.

I never knew someone would make me open up. He got his way through those walls I built to me. I’ve never been seen so transparent. He sees through me. It felt like he knew me more than I knew myself. I felt so whole. I felt like I’m  these few pieces in a puzzle now surrounded with all the missing pieces and now I am whole.

I never knew someone will ever make me feel this way.

I never knew I would feel home to someone 8,000 miles apart from me.

And now all the way I thought before, all my views and how I saw my life before and how I only wanted it are the things I don’t ever want to end up with. Everything was rearranged. I know what I really want in life, now. I know what’ll make me truly happy.

Who would have thought I would believe in soul mates, destiny and all that?

I thank God for giving me him this early in my life.

My future now is crystal clear.

My life will never be the same anymore like before.

And I’m glad… more than glad.

You gaze at the…

You gaze at the stars while I burn under the sun.

-JKMP