My life before him…

I can’t imagine myself living the way I lived my life before him. I can’t imagine how awful my views are in what’ll happen and what I would only want in life. I was in search of what will make me happy.

After having to experience an almost 4 year awful relationship with someone who has fooled me three times, I’ve always thought that people would always get tired of the person they’re with one way or another and all things would only depend on how they take it. Do they make a way? Not say that they’re tired of it? Just live with it cause they have no more choice? or find another? break his or her heart until he/she lets go of you?

Being cheated for a number of times my ex implying pain and suffering on me made me really stressed and down. It destroyed who I am as a person. I caused pain to the people around me who loves me.

I cry so much at night and in my dreams asking God to send the person really meant for me that time to save me from the guy I’m with.

During those heart breaks, pain and suffering a big lump appeared on my neck about 4 inches in diameter at the end of the year of 2010. I had it diagnosed and I won’t ever forget the day I got the result. It was the day before my birthday, February 7th of 2011 that I learned it was cancer. I have stage four Hodgkin Lymphoma and I wasn’t all that surprised. I was dying. I never got so sad about it, I thought of it as my only salvation from the mess I made with my friends and family. I knew I’m going to get better so I fought. I force fed myself taking all the food I can.

At night, I try to sleep the intoxication I’m feeling from all the cure I took. And I was alone. I never talked to anyone about how tired I am and all I wanted was a different kind of company. I talked to God during those nights wishing and hoping for someone that would fight with me and genuinely care for me but I told myself it was quite impossible. I’m sick of the man I’m with and I know he isn’t the one I needed.

After all those, I became strong. I told myself I can be on my own and never would think I am alone. I worked and tried to build bridges again but with it are walls. Great walls that no one will ever get in no matter how they use the past. I worked and finished my studies. And in the future I don’t see myself marrying anyone and having kids for I wanted my own family now to experience good life. I want my siblings to be spoiled with things they’ve been wanting. All I cared about are my siblings and myself.

Then there were actions that I did that I never knew I would. I never had any reason for it but I kept on going until I found him.

Then all the things I did that time came into result. That I never knew all those things that I did and joined to has a reason.

I never knew someone would make me open up. He got his way through those walls I built to me. I’ve never been seen so transparent. He sees through me. It felt like he knew me more than I knew myself. I felt so whole. I felt like I’m  these few pieces in a puzzle now surrounded with all the missing pieces and now I am whole.

I never knew someone will ever make me feel this way.

I never knew I would feel home to someone 8,000 miles apart from me.

And now all the way I thought before, all my views and how I saw my life before and how I only wanted it are the things I don’t ever want to end up with. Everything was rearranged. I know what I really want in life, now. I know what’ll make me truly happy.

Who would have thought I would believe in soul mates, destiny and all that?

I thank God for giving me him this early in my life.

My future now is crystal clear.

My life will never be the same anymore like before.

And I’m glad… more than glad.